We’ve slammed the door on the shitty year that was 2020, and hopefully 2021 will be an improvement. It sorta has to be, doesn’t it? But the second you say that, the fire-breathing earthworms come up from the bowels of the planet, enact mind control by crawling into our brains like the Ceti eels in “The Wrath of Khan,” and we’re all screwed. Ah well.
I didn’t do it intentionally but I realized after the fact that the last two pictures I included in this blog had the word “dead” in them. While I do appreciate dark humor, I’m really not fixated on my own demise.
So on to those 2021 resolutions…
1. Please. Are you freaking kidding me? Have we met? Resolutions are not my thing.
What I’d *like* for 2021 is to no longer be the star of the show. I’d like to be on the back burner for a while. I’d like to not have everything be dictated by how I’m feeling on any given day. I’m sure Kyle and my mom would like this too. Right now it seems that everything in my family revolves around me. How am I feeling? Did I get any sleep last night? Are my eyes swollen shut? What did the doctor say? When’s your next appointment with what specialist this time?
I get it. This is serious shit. They’re worried about me and sad and stressed that I’m having to go through this. And I am so grateful for their concern and all the ways in which they help me, which is A LOT. So please don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. It’s just tiring and frustrating to be the one holding things up, changing the itinerary, dictating the plans for the day or weekend (or lack thereof). Granted… pandemic… not many plans to be had regardless. But even little stuff, like the dog parade thing a couple weekends ago—it’s all dependent on me and how I’m feeling. And I’m just over it.
I need an attitude adjustment, a different perspective. I honestly do not feel depressed, “dead” pictures notwithstanding. My therapist checks in with me on this during our monthly appointments. I’m frustrated, I’m tired, but I’m willing to keep pushing forward, and sometimes I even feel hopeful. But not hopeless or depressed. I’m sad at times. My life has already changed so much, and I don’t know what’s temporary and what’s permanent. I just have to wait and see. But… I have a chronic likely progressive disease. Things are probably going to get worse, not better.
Patience… yeah, I’m not terribly good at that one. Acceptance… put that in the “weakness” column too. But I have no choice but to learn that I’m going to have days when I feel pretty okay and days when I feel like shit. And that might mean I can’t get off the couch that day. Or go to work. And I’m just going to have to be okay with that.
Life-changing crap happens to people all the time, and while I’m never going to be that person who “embraces” this kind of thing and says it’s going to make me a better person (more power to those who can genuinely say this), I need to just accept it and move on.
Best laid plans, hmmm? We’ll see how it goes.
Wishing us all a better 2021. Go make those resolutions.